How to give feedback to someone who doesn't think they need it
It's easy to give feedback to people who want it.
The real test is the person with low self-awareness... the one who chronically overestimates themselves or gets defensive the moment you say anything critical. Perhaps you've given the same piece of feedback more than once, or twice, and yet the behaviour hasn't changed.
How do you give effective feedback to someone like that without becoming triggered?
First, be honest and notice what their lack of awareness or defensiveness triggers emotionally in you
When someone is not responding well to our feedback, we can sometimes take it personally.
"Does their reactivity mean that I am a bad leader?" Not necessarily, and it is the meaning we give to their reaction that stops us from staying calm and objective in difficult feedback conversations.
Think about how you feel by the third conversation. Does an inner voice say, "I can't believe I have to say this again" or "They won't change anyway"?
This is where self-awareness matters. Can we set aside our frustration long enough to approach the other person with genuine curiosity, remaining open to the possibility that we, too, might be missing something?
Here is a simple tell. If you can't think of a single piece of positive feedback for this person, you are probably not able to stay neutral in the conversation.
Don't become defensive because someone else is.
Why pushing harder doesn't work
The natural instinct is to repeat the feedback more forcefully. But if someone isn't changing, there are two possibilities worth exploring first.
Either they genuinely don't see what you see... which can be low self-awareness, fear, or a lack of willingness.
Or something about the feedback feels threatening enough that they can’t properly engage with it. Someone with a high need for recognition, for example, may hear your directness as punishment rather than information.
Pushing harder doesn't address either of these. Trust and understanding have to come first.
Turn the mirror around
Try shifting the focus from the feedback itself to how you're having the conversation.
That means open questions. The kind you'd ask as a coach, not a judge.
See the person in a balanced way. Give feedback on what works, not only on what doesn't. Ask what they see. Ask what's getting in the way. And when they get defensive, lose some of your own defensiveness by asking another open question instead of pushing your point.
You could start with:
It's important to me that you succeed in this role. Right now, I have the feeling that my feedback isn't reaching you in the way I intend it to.
We've discussed this before, but since things haven't changed, I'd like to understand what's getting in the way.
Is there something I could do differently to make our conversations more useful for you?
These questions require a degree of vulnerability, because you have to be prepared to hear an answer you might not expect. That is part of the point.
Asking for feedback on your approach doesn't mean abandoning your expectations or taking responsibility for someone else's behaviour. You can remain clear about what needs to change while being open to how you might help make that change possible.
It also sends an important message: as a leader, you're willing to reflect on your own behaviour, not just ask others to reflect on theirs.
Feedback reflection question in preparation
Know your tendencies.
Do you have a tendency to be too harsh, too direct, and tend to cause a lot of emotional upset?
Or do you have a tendency to be too nice, to sugar-coat, and leave feedback conversations feeling like nothing is changing and they're completely misunderstood?
Know that, and then find a better balance.
If I knew this person couldn't get angry or upset, what would I honestly say to them?
Whatever you're withholding, that's the feedback.
Because withholding it, or sugar-coating it, isn't empathy. It's selfishness. You're protecting your own discomfort, not them.
Defensiveness is contagious. So is openness.
Lara Menke
Leadership Psychologist & Executive Coach, CAIA
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